Killer the cat (Photo Credit: Kristen Flowers)

I’m not ready to say goodbye

My first human baby might be Lilly, but my first fur baby is Killer.

Yes, I named her Killer.

At the shelter, I went from cage to cage looking at all the kittens. I had my eye on this silver tabby that was gorgeous until I heard the loudest MEW. I turned around and saw this little brown dot staring back up at me. I remember saying, “was that you?” I touched my hand to the top of her head and she immediately started purring. When I picked her up, she curled up into my neck and fell asleep.

It was love at first sight.

After I brought her home I couldn’t think of a name for her. While I spent a week trying to decide what to call her, I watched her tear through the house and attack everything in sight.

This tiny fur ball earned her name.

But her energy was short-lived. Only days after adopting her, she grew very sick. She struggled to breathe and was lethargic, so I took her to the vet and she was diagnosed with pneumonia. She got better, but one of the side effects of the illness was when she purrs, it’s this throaty, deep, purr that can fill up a room.

I love that purr. I’m going to miss it terribly one day.

Killer is now fourteen-years-old.

She has been with me through many moves and has traveled with me through all my radio adventures. Killer is my little warrior cat and my favorite travel buddy.

Over the last month, I’ve noticed that she’s been acting differently. She’s lighter when I pick her up. She’s been throwing up and having some bathroom issues. I know a lot about cats, and I know that all signs are pointing to the fact that she’s not doing great.

Yesterday, I had a vet come to the house. He gave her a physical and took some blood to test for issues. I’ll get those results in a few days. He told me that she’s in great health for a cat her age, but issues are starting to come up and will probably continue to pop up for the rest of her life.

Not only am I sad because Killer is in her later years, but tremendous guilt has sunk in.

When Lilly was born, Killer took a bit of a backseat in my life. It’s horrible but true. Rightfully, Lilly takes priority and having a newborn is a lot of work. There has been a lot less time to hold and cuddle Killer. I haven’t been able to attend to her every wish and demand. I try to make time for her, but sometimes I’m so exhausted that she gets a quick pat on the head before I head to bed.

She’s become increasingly needy over the last couple months and I know it’s because I haven’t been able to spend a whole lot of quality time with her. Now that I know that, I’ve been making an effort but it’s not as much as she used to get before Lilly was born.

This vet visit hit me hard because I’ve already been feeling guilty about it and now she might not have a lot of time left.

I need to do a better job of setting aside special Killer time, and I’m going to make an effort going forward. Hopefully, it’s not too late.

I absolutely love that cat and I’m not ready to say goodbye yet.

Have you gone through something like this? How did you handle it?

Why don’t I love this anymore?

Kristen Flowers

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